My Marriage as a Container for Healing
Right off the bat, I am going to say that I don’t claim to know anything other than what I think I know right now. This perspective can change, as can my opinion about it, as early as tomorrow. This is because things are constantly in flux, constantly dying and being reborn, and new dimensions of a situation can always open to reveal that the situation is actually something completely different than what I think I know to be true. The outcome of the situation I describe below is still unknown and I am unattached to it, as I must be with all things. My goal here is to offer a lens for others to view situations from a new dimension (perspective) and allow it to help them in their own lives.
Over the last few months, my husband and I have been working with a relationship coach who has been injecting some crazy Medicine into our mix. I thought we were just going to learn some new tools, but instead, everything has been shredded to pieces and massive wounding has been revealed. I did not even know our relationship was stalled out (stuck) until we started working with her! One of the things that have become very clear is that our relationship is not what I thought it was – it is not me and him living our happily ever after. One where we adore one another and co-parent our kids with ease. It’s a sacred contract that we made with each other to co-create a container for healing work. A container where he and I both get the healing we need in this lifetime. Can those two things happen in the same relationship? I have no idea, but I can tell you that I am not getting both right now lol.
The hard pill to swallow with this knowledge is that once this healing work between us is complete, the relationship may very well be done. Immediately in figuring this out, everything I think I know about “what it means to be married” is shattered and my heart feels completely broken. It’s been a hard six months.
Knowing this potential outcome sometimes feels like a curse, as does most things I know as a psychic/seer. I see the timelines and the potential outcomes of many things. I know our chances of a “happily ever after”. I know that I will proceed through these challenging times only to find out that our relationship may come to an end sooner than “til death do us part”. Do you mean to tell me that marriage isn’t forever? But we have kids, I put in so much work, the sex is so good, I am so comfortable with him… What the fuck!
Yea, this is pretty vulnerable stuff I am talking about here. It’s not something we say out loud often.
This story is easy to tell while looking backward because we are no longer in the thickest of the sauce. Early in our relationship, we treated one another the exact way that would cause us to have our childhood trauma or core beliefs about ourselves triggered. Once something is triggered in a person, it has the opportunity to come to the surface for release and healing. In our case, neither of us let the trauma come up for healing, we chose to stuff it down further into the depths of our being. For me, it was through avoidance, and for him, it was through flat-out denial. It wasn’t until I started working with Plant Medicine did these things start to come up for me to be healed. Once the bulk of my shit had been looked at, and I had the majority of my inner power restored, my husband started to have all of his come up for processing. Since the beginning, all those feelings of resentment and rage toward each other had been stored deep, festering, causing illness in the body, and would have led to very serious health problems if it had not been released.
Fun Shaman Fact: This is what I see causes the majority of cancers and many other health conditions – the putrefying or calcifying of emotions that need to be expressed/released but haven’t. Sometimes these things are from when we were in utero, in early childhood, or even as an adult. I have even seen it as not even ours, but our mother’s or father’s unprocessed stuff we have agreed to carry forward. Everyone has this to some degree, and I mean everyone. I see most commonly those unprocessed emotions cause fibromyalgia, intestinal issues, cancer, autoimmune disease, bad breath, and seriously most other things. I can often see this clearly in people when I lay my hands on their bodies and this is what I summon out of them in my Ceremonies. I can look at a person’s stomach and the body will tell me – this person has resentful feelings they need to express and if they don’t, they will eventually get stomach cancer. I see unprocessed emotions as being the number one cause of illness and disease.
Anyway, back to the relationship.
About two months ago, during the depths of my own personal shamanic death, something shifted for me in my relationship. Although I had been working on myself and had been devoted to my husband for many years now, I realized that I never actually chose to be with him. I always had a backup plan if things went south and never gave myself over 100% by choosing to be with him and accepting that we would be together forever. It was only 99%. We were talking about this one night, and he explained to me how this wasn’t a question for him. He always knew that we were in it for good, he had no plan b. This blew my mind! During the next week, I mulled over what he had said and made the decision to fully commit to our marriage – something I thought I did a long time ago.
And of course, making that choice to be “all in” is what caused things to shift like never before. This is a life lesson I don’t want you to skim over – be all in or don’t be in at all. Standing around complaining about our circumstances is a way to keep yourself in the position of victim. Either do it or don’t, but stop complaining about it, instead, accept it fully one way or another. Living in this place this will change your life in ways you cannot imagine. It may start with something like your marriage, but it will quickly branch out to all areas of your life and spread like wildfire. Once you see this scenerio clearly, you can't unsee it.
When I went all in, something magical happened and the relationship became a mirror for me. All of a sudden, I could see all the places where I was not taking responsibility for my feelings and was instead projecting them on my husband. I could see that I was keeping myself a circumstantial victim, or standing in the threshold of two things, unwilling to cross over to one side either way.
I actually created a visual for this when it came to me, and I am going to share it here. Charts, lists, and visuals always help me digest information or see it in a new way so I can figure it out: