The type of occurrence I describe below has become rather common in my life over the last few years as I dive deeper into Medicine Work, but never has it happened in such a gut-wrenching way. Typically it happens when I have a few hours to fall into it in silence or sometimes when I need to look at something urgent. This one was next level.
A few weeks ago we hosted a group Ceremony that was pretty great, but rather intense. I mean, it was beautiful for everyone who participated, but the energy was intense from a Facilitator standpoint. This one was also different in another way. So at the end of each group Ceremony, there is this thing that I do almost involuntarily that involves gathering up energy from the collective and processing it. In one case it was from the collective consciousness of the military. In another it was something that the group shared as a whole. In this particular instance, one of the participants witnessed this action and was able to describe it from an outsider's point of view, which I thought was pretty cool. Since I only know what it feels like, I have never had a clear visual of what I am doing exactly.
Honestly, this is the case with most things I do. I do actions, poses or noises for months at a time and one day the Medicine shows me what I have been doing all along. "Surprise! You were working with Angels!"
So this woman who witnessed it said my personal life force energy got really big and encompassed our whole space. It sucked up all of the toxins (aka lower vibrational energy) from within the group and beyond. She said I then shrank back to my normal size and absorbed it all... "You are storing all the toxins you took on in your fat to be processed at a later date". Pretty wild, right? I know that I do this, but typically it ends in my purging in a bucket or shoving the energy through a portal to get it out of our space. Sometimes I can even suck sickness out of a person's body in the same type of way and spit it out.
In this case, I felt myself take all of this energy on, but then it said, "nope, I am coming to Mexico with you".
Five days later, my family and I had a trip planned to the Yucatan and I was definitely in for a wild ride.
Side note: After a group Ceremony, I typically have to take two weeks off. There is a lot that happens to my nervous system with all the channeling and I need time to process my own experience as well as a bit of energy for the group. An integration period after group Ceremony is 100% a requirement for me at this point and so I just make space for it... sometimes including a trip to somewhere tropical where I can be taken care of by strangers while I recover!
I was my normal amount of tired in the few days after Ceremony, knowing that I was carrying something pretty heavy. I also had an interesting experience with the energy of death, who visited me one morning and told me that I was going to die. I knew this meant there was an ego death coming and I needed to prepare for an intense surrender. I was so grateful for the heads up but a little taken aback by it, the energy of death is actually quite beautiful and gentle when you don't run from it.
On our journey to Mexico, we were required to take two flights. Both were horrendous with turbulence and my panic attack button was being pushed pretty hard. I suspect that was necessary in order to go through what happened next.
On the first flight, as soon as it took off from the ground, I bawled. I cried in the most cathartic way, watching myself pour with release, relief and surrender. I had a front row seat to the processing of mass amounts of fear and anxiety right before my eyes and through my body. I witnessed it and I experienced it for myself. It was fear held by my own body and by other people on the plane. Fear from the collective consciousness from which I pulled it during Ceremony. I had to surrender over and over again to the fear and allow it to consume me. As with all things, it needed to be felt so that it could be released. I continued to purge and process on and off during that three hour flight. At the end I still felt nauseous and I knew there was more to come.
On the second flight, it really turned up. I started to release and purge again as soon as we took off, only to hear a voice tell me, "now bring in love". It showed me pieces of my own life for which to be grateful for and and showed me how to conjure up the feelings that these things brought about. It showed me my home, my dogs, my children, my clients, my husband and friends. It showed me how to bring in that love and gratitude to transmute that intense fear that had been brought up to be felt on that first flight. "This is how we overcome the fear, with love"..
I allowed the visions of these things that I love to come up and watched them mix with the fear. The fear was being transmuted into something more beautiful and then there was only love. For myself, for everyone who shared space with me in that Ceremony and for some larger unseen collective that I had tapped into. In this space I watched layers of myself fold away like a flower that was blooming. The petals fell away to reveal a magnificent inner core and the inside were covered in beautiful patterns of color. I saw incredible shades of pink, purple and blue exploding in front of my eyes and creating something new.
This last piece is most significant because I have never seen colors before, not even in my own Ceremonies taking literal Plant Medicine of any kind. Visuals like this were never part of my abilities.
Yet here I was, completely sober and seeing wild colors of creation right in front of me. I watched myself die and be reborn several times in this process. It also reminded me of Mickey in the movie Fantasia. Where he is creating and conducting those bright colors and light, orchestrating something greater. Something big and magical. This is what the Medicine was showing me to do with fear.
And then it was over. I was snapped quickly back into my body, feeling fully present and grounded for the first time in weeks and it was time for me to rest in Mexico.