I feel like "Twin Flame" is the new New Age buzz word. And honestly it's hard to sort out which one is really the thing, if there is one, and which one is a soul mate, karmic relationship, internally embellished relationship or a soul family connection. Yes, I think these could all be different things, but they could all be the same too.
I want to share my story about the person I used to call my twin flame because I feel like it's worth sharing. I feel like if I throw this out there it will stick for someone. And really that's all we each need from time to time... meeting someone who really gets what we are going through and to feel slightly less alone in the human experience.
So I had breakfast with a new friend a few months ago. It was a man I had never met in person before and a soul sister suggested that we connect. During our first Zoom meeting a few months ago, he described his relationship with his own Twin Flame (TF) and it was the first time I had ever heard of anyone else having a powerful platonic relationship with another that matched my own experience. He also triggered the crap out of me on another issue and that's when I decided that meeting him was important.
Before this meeting, I legitimately thought I must be crazy. My TF and I called our dynamic lunacy. And it was by all accounts absolutely insane. All these other people talk about their TFs, but no one ever came close to describing what I personally experienced until now.
I met my TF when I was about 12. It was a magical encounter over a random AOL chatroom in which he just moved to my hometown, didn't have any friends, and neither did I because I was had just moved to this town a few months earlier myself. We connected instantly and began spending every waking moment together. He was my best friend, my ever present rock of safety and the one person in the world I felt would always be there for me. I loved him at depths I could only reserve for a true brother and life partner. We were there for one another in those early adolescent years right through middle school and if it weren't for him, I am certain I would not have made it through my adolescence. We often knew what the other was thinking and shared some of our deepest personal experiences as developing young adults. That was all normal kid stuff, it didn't get interesting until a few years later.
As our relationship evolved and we became more the people we were intended to be, we became each other's trigger points. Are you avoiding this thing in your life? Yes? Allow me to blow that shit up for you so you are forced to look at it. Do you really have a fulfilling relationship? Allow me to turn this mirror here so you can reflect back all the bullshit you have covered yourself in. This relationship was agonizing. It was the most beautiful, blissful and deep loving connection you could possibly imagine and also the most painful. We were always looking at a reflection of ourselves when we were together and there was never anywhere to hide. If I wanted the deep love and bliss, it was matched with pain and whatever feeling I was avoiding first.
Now I know that this extreme was present because with that great depth of light came that same level of depth in shadow.
Looking back on the last two decades, I can see that this relationship was always embraced with the best tools we had at the time. I do not, for one second, judge myself or him for how things went down as time went on.
In addition to the triggers, we felt this strong physical attraction and intense love, something I still to this day have not experienced elsewhere. Yes, even with my amazing husband of eleven years who I would categorize as a soul mate AND the man of my dreams. Yet even with this perceived attraction, there was a knowing that my TF and I were not destined to be partners in that way. The romantic path was a different sort of partnership that neither of us was prepared to embrace in this lifetime. I am not certain if that's the case for everyone.
To take it one step further, each time we were together magic was afoot. We met celebrities. Got front row tickets to shows. We always had special treatment, met people that had the coolest stories to share, found money on the ground or had something comped during our evening out together. Dave Matthews would always play on the speaker in whatever store we were in (that's my synchronicity key). It was magic at it's very core.
So I want to revisit the physical attraction piece. Something we had previously, and falsely, labeled as "sexual energy". Our culture does not teach us about the different energies that can be exchanged and felt between people and so this was the only word I had for it. Rarely do we learn about "sexual energy", desire, creation energy, root chakras or all the ways in which these things can present or be interpreted. They are not all sexual, romantic, or needing to be pursued.
Well, this energy was there, but there was no attraction in the romantic sense. This left me feeling so confused, guilty and unsure of how to move forward with that dynamic. What did it mean?
You often hear this story about the TF runner and chaser. I don't see it as that. I see it as the kind of relationship that flies in and out of your life, at precisely the right moments you come together, and it's all to keep one another triggered and moving forward accordingly. We touch base and then we go our own way, constantly coming back to each other for an essential moment in time.
Each time we came together as adults, it looked like this some variation of a major triggering. From the age of 16 to 30, we would come together briefly once every 6 months to a year and be a catalyst for the other:
At 16, I am suicidal, he talks me off the ledge and I am able to keep going.
At 18, He is in identity crisis, I help in reflect and remember who he is so he can keep going.
At 19, I am in crisis, he offers me a safe haven and I am able to keep going.
At 23, He is having trouble with commitment, I reassure him with what feels like permission. He commits and keeps going.
We continue to meet annually, taking small travel excursions or weekends of hanging out. Our time together is complete bliss. We are endlessly high and creating magical moments of synchronicity that is simply next level magical. However, it always ends with a crash and burning everything to the ground. We never know how to balance it.
At 27, Our external relationships have gone south because we have both refused to take responsibility for our own wounds and we come back to each other, thinking this is the deepest sort of love so it must be the thing we should have pursued all along. But, as always, we meet one another with that same mirror and we are faced with our own unbridled shit storm.
We burn everything to the ground in pursuit of a relationship. We are both in ashes with a renewed sense of self (or really more of a sense of who were are not if we want to be technical). We show one another all of our active triggers, all our childhood trauma is at the surface and we destroy our other relationships in pursuit of this one.
At 28, This is the first time we take a full 5 years away from one another. The pain is too deep and we are rebuilding ourselves.
At 33, We reconnect, one of our marriages remains intact and the other has been dissolved. It's like the whole thing never happened, forgiveness is instantaneous and all the love and deep sense of energetic attraction is present and more powerful than ever. We reach a new level of connection. We literally cannot sit next to one another without feeling a physical draw that is absolutely not sexual. but is enough to make us dizzy. Desire to be romantically or physically involved is still not present and the love and bliss of being around each other is pure insanity.
We sit in Ceremony together and my TF reveals a major trauma I was unaware of, which occurred in his early twenties. The relationship blows up again and I know I need to step away from him to process what he has shared with me.
And then one of us dies.
So here I am, two years later.
I found out that my TF has left this 3D dimension via a message from the Universe during a Psilocybin Ceremony with a client last year. This is approximately 20 minutes after I have pulled my client's soul through a portal between "heaven" and earth and reconnected it to his body. This client looks at me, with the eyes and knowing of my best friend whom I have described above, a man I have known for 22 years, and I am told that he's leaving this dimension.
I know, it sounds insane. The craziest aspect of this is that my TF has not physically died, but the aspect of him that I spent my adolescence with has. He has had soul loss and that soul part has left this dimension. I don't expect it to return, but then again, the Universe is constantly showing me that I don't know shit (lol). I do know that when an aspect of someone comes to visit me and say "goodbye", but they haven't physically passed on from this world, I am not likely to ever see them again. It's like their work with me is done and the grieving process/detachment can start.
After this Ceremony, the relationship with my husband is finally able to evolve to the next level. There is something in me, and in him, that begins to shift and our relationship dynamic has finally started to evolve from the place it had been stuck.
So I am curious.. do you think you have met your TF? What does it look like for you and how long has it been going on? Does anything I say here resonate with you?