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How Parenting a Trans Child Has Rocked my Perspective on Gender

I love talking about this topic because I feel there is so much for me to learn and explore here, both for myself and also in terms of understanding others so I can better assist them on their spiritual journey. What I am sharing here is, as always, from personal experience and from the version of myself that exists in this moment in time. Nothing is solid, and few things continue to remain the same over time and through our life experience. This is especially true in our world, where things are changing so rapidly as our dimension shifts. So as with all things I share in my blog, take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. I only know what I know and I share when I feel called to do so.

This gender journey began consciously for me a little over a year and a half ago when I attended my first boudoir photoshoot. The experience was calling to me because the way I viewed myself everyday in the mirror was horrendous. I knew it needed a reframing if I was going to find a path to self-love and acceptance. Around the same time, my youngest child came out as trans at the young age of 11.

Together, we have embarked on an incredible journey of exploration through physical gender and embodiment of the masculine and feminine. My kiddo has been on this journey with me through the things I discuss below and the healing work we have to do around these topics is most certainly connected. Being seen in that vulnerable space of my boudoir shoot catalyzed a journey of discovery around what it means to be a woman and what it means to be feminine. And this is what my child battles with every day as a person who carries a uterus but doesn't identify as a female.

Read more about my experience at the boudoir shoot here.

In this blog, I want to weave in and out of my perspectives on a few topics related to gender, as well as the masculine and the feminine. We will discuss the interplay between gender and masc/fem, how Medicine presents differently for masc/fem, the difference between a masculine healing container and a feminine one, androgyny, and gender constructs. Some concepts may be easier to grasp and some are more “outside the box”.

It’s also important to note that words are hard when it comes to describing many of the things I talk about here. Our culture and language have such a way of putting things into boxes – be patient as I try to pick the right words to convey what I need to say!

Level One: An Attempt to Understand Androgyny, Gender Fluidity, and Gender Constructs

A few months ago I had a pretty profound experience in a microdose Ceremony. For three hours I lay in my bed and had all gender constructs stripped from me. I was suspended in this horribly painful place of not knowing how to identify myself, feeling nothing at all around gender. I was basically a blob who couldn’t be molded because there was nothing to mold me into. What a metaphor for how we, as souls, must make ourselves smaller (and put into boxes) to exist here on the earth plane and operate in these vehicles we call bodies.

Now I understand androgyny to be someone who exhibits both masculine and feminine traits very strongly, so maybe this was the opposite of that? Maybe it was the same. I am not sure. I have worked with many people who embody the energy of neither or both genders, but experiencing it for myself was not something I was prepared for and barely something I can put into words. For me, in this experience, it wasn’t about being both a man and a woman, it was about being neither of those things. It was about existing without those constructs entirely.

And it was supremely painful.

Interestingly, when I described this to my child, he told me this is exactly what he feels every day. I know deep down that he has been non-binary since he was a tot, but I have to let him come to this conclusion on his own. I always knew he would bring some powerful medicine to my family and to those around him.

My kiddo was born female and identifies as male. He has shared with me on more than one occasion that he doesn’t identify as female in any way because it is easier to identify as male. The identity he chooses is more important than anything, and I honor it fully, but I also want to share my perspective as an observer for the sake of exploring the topic with others who are not given the chance to hold space for this firsthand.

He often tells me it is the worst thing to be called a "she". This would be the biggest insult to him. Those boxes appear to be too restrictive and painful for him at this time and my heart breaks for this, for I know this pain all too well. However, I can also see that non-binary is hard to describe to others and it’s hard to live in that space in our current reality when people just don't understand. When you feel like you are neither male or female or like you are both, how do you navigate shopping, bathrooms, dating, names, doctor conversations, etc? This makes my heart ache so much just thinking about it. As a natal female, I know this pain of the "she".

Imagine having a child who is so stressed out about choosing a bathroom that he holds it in the whole day while he's at school. I have one. And I wonder how many other people are going through such pain but don't have parents who support them through it.

Another thing worth noting here is how many children are in this place of gender fluidity right now. This is because collectively our gender constructs are ready to be destroyed. We have built up extremely toxic and restrictive constructs around what it means to be male or female and so the pendulum is swinging wildly to destroy those boxes. Children are incredibly magical creatures and when they are working through big life things such as identifying as trans or gay, they are doing it on behalf of many people who cannot do it themselves. They are doing hard work for the collective, and as parents, we often fail to understand this so we can support them properly. Children are Medicine People who have not yet lost their way.

This goes for pretty much all things that kids go through that are "big" - they are going through it on behalf of those who cannot go through it themselves. Seriously, think about that for a second.

As my kiddo dove more deeply into this space, I felt myself go there as well without really knowing it at the time. For me, I felt strongly called to shave my head and allow myself to put on a significant chunk of weight. It forced me to (painfully) release beliefs I had about what it meant to be a woman or to be feminine. I believed that a woman must be very feminine and that meant being thin and “pretty”. It meant wearing certain clothes, makeup, hairstyles, being "sexy", being soft, being small, etc. This is of course just one dimension of it for me, the process was much more involved and complicated than this. But these actions are what caused a catalyzing effect where I reevaluated everything I thought I know about who I was and what it meant to be that person.

I started to question if that's what I really wanted or if that's really who I wanted to be. More specifically: Thin and pretty. Ultimately, I have come to a place where I realized that I actually wanted was to be healthy, not thin. And these are very different things.

Does this hit home for you at all? I would encourage you to ask yourself a few questions:

  • What does it mean to me to be a man or woman to you?

  • What does a man or woman look like? How do they act or dress?

  • What does it mean to be feminine? To be Masculine? Do you embody both of those things or try hard to embody one of them exclusively?

  • Inquire about the resistance you may have around this topic, strong opinions, or firm ground that you stand on. Are they triggering for you?

Level Two: Nope, Gender is not the same as Masculine and Feminine

This leads me into a slightly deeper topic, your gender has nothing to do with how masculine or feminine you are. These two things are as related as they are unrelated!

I want to share how I run my Ceremonies and what I see in that space. This is helpful for people who may need a little reframe about male/female and masculine/feminine. This is also the setting in which I know this topic most intimately.

As you may or may not know, I offer Ceremony in containers that are co-ed, and also containers for those who are exclusively natal male and those who are natal female. This is because the vehicle (body) we have chosen to incarnate in has certain ways it relates to the Medicine Space, the 3D reality, and to the work I do as a spiritual healer. Your body has specific purpose and abilities it grants you while you are here on earth. When you are born into a natal female (or you have a uterus), your body has a literal portal built into it. You carry the trauma of the collective females that have come before you on a physical level AND the trauma of the natal females in your bloodline. You navigate across dimensions easily and often. The spiritual work you come to tackle in a Shamanic Ceremony is different than what those of natal males come to tackle. Sometimes it feels good to dive into this in the presence of both embodied genders, and sometimes it is more safe to dive in with other natal females.

The same goes with males, except they don't have portals, they are here to spread their seed - but perhaps not in the way you think. They are experts in building foundations, manifesting, grounding, and supporting. I honestly find that natal males often work best together, without the presence of natal females. Especially right now, when so many males are awakening to their divine masculine. Females are often just a distraction for them and I highly encourage them to work in men-only groups with Medicine.

When it comes to holding space, I find that the nurturing presence of a feminine being is currently what's needed on a collective level for spiritual healing of natal male individuals. Many souls are asking for that gentle loving presence in order to open their hearts fully. They are asking to be done with the structure and the belief that "it must be hard in order to be effective" when it comes to spiritual healing (or anything really). This is the era of the feminine and I believe the next era will be that of the partnership between masculine and feminine (balance).

The next part of this is such: both natal male and natal female hold different degrees of masculine and feminine. We have both and which one we present more fully depends on who we are as individuals as well as our trauma, inherited stuff, etc. There is no wrong way to be. But also understand that the physical body you are planted in does impact the way you operate here on earth and what your strengths and traumas might be.

Other things to consider about gender:

Gender doesn't exist on the higher levels or planes of existence, or in some other dimensions parallel to ours. However, it does apply here on Earth for the time being. Masculine and Feminine only exist on some of the planes, including our own. On the much higher levels, there is no masculine/feminine either.

There are many false beliefs we have around men/women that we use as ammunition in fights or armor to make us feel better about ourselves. It would benefit us all to be more aware of these things. For Example, men often experience pain more intensely than women because they are more in their bodies than women. Not because they are weak. How much have we used that idea as a way to put down men from a woman's standpoint? Just saying.

Being anywhere on the LGBTQ+ spectrum is perfectly normal, wonderful, and deserving of support. There is NO wrong way to experience being human and being outside of our collective construct boxes may be hard, but it's also a gift to be shared. The best thing we can do is talk about it, explore it, and reach out for support when we need it.

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